being critical
wins, losses & lessons.
hello — i grown to dislike the fact that i don’t write about my ideas, notions about the world, themes/topics people would actually derive value out of & only keep yapping about my own self. but this stream of consciousness is my way of collating all my “notes to self”. and well, this will be my last of them all.
you see, the past 3 years have made me incredibly equipped in terms of observing people, finding flaws & getting better at the “post mortem analysis”, faaltu ka gyaan, tough love, preaching & enforcing the ‘right thing to do’ and hopping on to the “oh this is what you should do”, “this is what you should’ve done”, and the 45-min gyaan lecture on what one should do “ideally”.
maybe it’s the eye to detail, maybe it’s being gifted w/ observational. but this gift turned sour fairly quickly. ironically, i couldn’t observe it till it got a little late. i increasingly became very critical w/ each attempt, conversation, situation, failure — this gave birth to an inner voice (read: righteous self). a rather unhealthy voice fuelled by self-rejection, shame & a longing to climb the himalayas of the righteous, utopian, self actualised version of me (a version that never existed)
on the climb up, you can’t over-analysing every little. fucking detail. it just doesn’t stop. you become extremely critical of all actions, decisions, choices. and while i felt it was all a personal problem, a personal “battle” that i’ve ought to go to war with. it can make you dysfunctional if you can’t fight it.
idk if this sounds normal, but off-late i’ve observed that this hyper-critical lens has seeped into each sentence, daily micro-decisions or any word spoken by thyself. you know you keep re-affirming (read: fooling yourself) that you aren’t addicted to your vice.. till you get the epiphany that you’re lying to yourself & you indeed are, addicted. that’s what i realised a couple of months ago — “this is will be the end of me if i don’t stop it right away” but that didn’t help either. if anything, it aggravated it.
have had heavy & consistent thoughts on brain decaying — been in my twt drafts for a while thought i’d write a longer piece instead but..
and this is a new intellectual low. i haven’t been intellectually tested/simulated & feel a low w/ all the judging/caring of what people. my next life begins when i say fu*k you to all the critics (the external world & my own critical self)
the voices in my head are harsh and sound something like this
i have no clarity & i’m a headless chicken
i’m untalented, not mindful & incapable of building anything of substance
i’m a luck box
i’m a disappointment to all my friends, acquaintances or my network-ish people
i only dream about the ideals of skills, prestige, money or purpose
no person above my weight respects (or) likes me
i’m incredibly incredibly mediocre
i can’t write about anything except myself & things in my head (find that shallow)
none of these reaaaallly have any strong, real evidence to persist, but yet they do - it’s a by-product of failure, over-intellectualising everything, an acutely critical eye & a really, really strong feedback loop with your own self - at the end of the day, your ears are only so far away from your brain.
while being aware that i’m an extremely critical person, i have no plans to get rid of this in entirety — it has given me a lot of Ws, it helps you become quite observant, notice red flags, aid an intuition that often plays well and acts as my biggest driving force. it’s my fuel. it births the urgency i have to make the best out of each day. i credit it for always being onto something, always pushing P. the great sense of impatience does makes it harder to subside this voice in my head — while this feeling to become just stays forever.
shutting shop took away an obsession — consequentially, that energy had to go somewhere. didn’t realise i’d already found my next subject in my own self. loathing in self-hatred was a slippery slope towards self-destruction — whether that be from action or inaction. this inactive form turned out to be pernicious: it feels excruciatingly difficult to do anything when your standard is nothing less than excellence in the eyes of the people you most respect.
my biggest strength, became my biggest weakness, and before i knew it, it took away all my love for self, others, happiness of wins, losses — it took the highlight of my life as collateral damage. i gave it my all to save it for months, but i just couldn’t. i could never stop wearing the hyper-judgemental, righteous & critical hat everywhere. i dread having to live the rest of my life w/ the weight of that.
everything went to an almost 0 & while the next few months & years are about finding myself again, finding acceptance & love for my own self. strongly believe 99% of my issues are stemmed from this bit.
and yeah, nothing ever goes to waste, you know? through wins & losses, there’s always some lessons. lessons that i’m glad to walk away with. andddd yeah, this will likely be my last blog about my own self, what i’m going through, my beliefs or documenting the waves of life. think i need to whip some new stuff up. have some more fun toying my ideas & worldview.
while i’m quite afraid, i can’t go to war with myself (read: my inner voice) here’s to finding ourselves in this silly maze we call life.
note to self: nothing matters. nobody really truly cares. it’s ok to be average. treat life like a playground. only love will get you till the finish line. without love everything’s futile.
a-fucking-men muchachos.