the 21st year of my life
I turn 21 today. I've spent my past year in the search for everything, right from the right set of people around, finding my reason to wake up everyday, finding more happiness, becoming at peace with myself all while trying to become into a better adult. a lot of things went right, and a lot didn't. I'm grateful to be writing this though, i've increasingly realised how privileged and grateful i've been. While you're at it, put this playlist in the BG. I'm in a stream of consciousness, overflowed with thoughts filled to the brim. Watch me ramble.
Disclaimer: There's no value-add in this blog, it's a public journal of my year & i'd like to keep it that way :)
This is going to be a live-commentary of the 20th year of my life, followed by what I'll be working on in the 21st year of my life. I'm not a big fan of birthdays because it's unnecessary anxiety & stress to entertain people & get fake validation. I like keeping to myself on birthdays (now) -- I spent my last 2 birthdays in Covid for good, and I wish to spend the rest of my birthdays in peace.
Last year, this time -- i was having a ball in life, I was reckless, I was living off of my parents money, my routine was play poker, get stoned, socialise some more, make friends on the internet & lots of travel. I wouldn't say any of it was bad "bad", but life has turned 180 since then (if i have to be honest)
I had subscribed to the collective ideology of finding the right "start" to my career & had accepted a decent role with a bulge-bracket IB fund. Soon enough, I found happiness in the fact that my first job sounded "cool" & fascinated a larger part of my friends circle, I realised then itself that i was't surrounded by people who would push me to do some legendary shit.
I decided to build decentralised set of friends. It was a good decision in retrospect, though pretty daunting, because I was clueless on how to approach it. but meh, who cares -- it's working out good so far. Here's a quick picture which actively made me think about the 'why' of having friends.
I started my job, thinking shuru to karte hai, baaki ka baadmein dekhlenge. Over a span of years, I cultivated a "Nothing to lose" attitude towards life. It certainly helped me grow some cojones. Has it's own sets of good and bad, but for the 20th year, I'm so glad I had the 'Nothing to Lose' attitude.
Following up on an attitude towards life, I always tried to make sure whatever I'm upto, is fun. I got the answer to what makes me happy last year: cheap thrills. I realised life is too short, I might not be alive tomorrow or maybe I won't be in a good place in life enough to get this opportunity again. for folks that know me, y'all might agree.
But regardless, In June, college ended & life began. a second-year something something was an employee now. I was a cog in the machine, but the change was huge. I took a lot of time to settle-in, I wasn't very happy with my first month at work. I didn't have a very supportive team ready to show me my way, I was making blunders left right and centre (again, folks who know me that blunders are a part of my personality now lol) I pushed myself hard, but couldn't see myself coming out of the college-student mindset, I'd only take a few things seriously, happened to be reckless sometimes & struggled with mental health. I wrote about that phase in length, here - it's titled "out of sync"
I was searching for a lot of things then, I was searching for a reason to show up everyday, searching for a person to 'fall back to', a passion, a purpose. And i tried, I tried hard to enjoy the search for everything.
Eventually, I answered these questions. I switched jobs, and joined ripen.in as a co-founder full-time -- and ripen gave me PLENTY a reasons to show up everyday, it's hard because you go to 0 salary straight-away, but i bet this experience will age well. I met the person I fall back to, I fell in love with the soul of that person & understood "them" as much as i could. That person was my inner-child i had ignored to put up a "solid, mature front" of myself. I started enjoying my company, I started spending more time with myself. (Unlimited walks, solo trips & solo dates later, I've only fell deeper in love with myself)
I had a very hard time letting people go. I had a tough time accepting the fact that some people play their roles, and exit from the stage. A part of me didn't want them to go, but I accepted it somehow nevertheless. 20 was actually a lot about losing people, I went on rough terms with people I would've never imagined, that sounds funny to you because you'd think hey, that's a part of the process, good people will come by etc, but it took me some time.
To clear the air, I'd lost these folks purely because of my mistakes. It was bad communication on most fronts. And this took a lot of time to move on from, because i knew i mean ZERO ill to this person, yet i somehow always ended up giving enough reasons for them to hate me. and that's fair, i accepted it, but an underlying fear of "who's next?" drove me mad. I could see a very unhealthy pattern, and it was a massive reality check because i was under the pretence that communication was my strong suit, but it wasn't, with a 100 traits to work on, this suddenly rose the ranks to "top priority".
I'd say I grew a lot as a person, overall. Individual battles were always going on, be it work - friends - family - my head, everywhere. But surprisingly, this year, I managed to always find a way out to look out for myself. I guilt-trip myself way too much & still do, but that was under control because of the realisation that you might do your best, mean your best, wish the best -- but if it doesn't come out like that, then there's little damage control you can do. It sucks, but it is what it is.
Mentally, this is what i learnt in the 20th year of my life:
Play the long-term game, move away from short-term gratification. (Equity >> Salary, :p)
Became someone who believes in a positive-sum (wants everyone to win equally big)
Became calmer, focused on being the present.
Cultivated a mindset to move away from quid pro quo to help people unconditionally.
Lived life on the edge, quite literally
Became mindful of my personal space, and of those around me
Stopped playing the "meta" game of numbers, followers & quantity of friends -- conditioned to quality, now (majority of you all might already do this, but for me, it was better late than never)
Face my insecurities. i did this on a daily, my brain was foggy, but not anymore. I owned up.
If i were to answer materialistically, here's what i did in the 20th year of my life:
Worked for 7-odd months at Nomura, all remote -- but not fun.
Became financially independent, I built a healthy ethic towards investing, saving etc
Travelled A LOT! (on my own) to Delhi x 4, Mumbai, Pune, Mussorie, Goa.
Moved to Bangalore, met some crazy folks from twitter.
Started doing monthly resolutions -> running 2kms everyday, a month of no sugar, 1 solo trip & a blog/thread weekend more on that here.
Started investing all my time to something i fondly love, ripen.in
Launched a side-project or two, here
Became an educator, a community guy & ran 3 cohorts (total of 110 folks, so TOO many conversations)
Kept myself in shape, physically -- don't believe it? here
What I seek from the 21st year of my life:
I'm striving for good health. Physically and mentally. My gut & my soul will be my primary focus. I want to do things that have a purpose, and let go of bad habits that i've been cultivating for no reason whatsoever. I'm ready to thrive: physically & professionally, the stage is set for me and now the onus is one me to exploit every sweet-spot of leverage I have.
I'm ready to go of all-kinds of smoke, I'm ready to adopt good habits. I know waking up early will make me 10x happier, productive & content so that's one. Working out & meditation are right up on the list, too. I want to spend my energy on things that will make me happy, I want to be very mindful of the time I spend on Instagram, talking to random people, taking unnecessary calls or going out when i know saying 'no' would be better. I want to impact a thousand peoples' lives by 22.
On the professional front, I'm going to focus a lot on up skilling, people-skills, developing a crystal clear vision & quality thought process along with fire-fighting everyday. There's a lot to learn, and i've never been hungrier. I'm on a rocket-ship and there's no way i'm pushing brakes without a purpose.
The best part about year 21, is that I know the 'why' behind all of these whims. That's a story for another day, though -- i'll keep you all updated, obviously. Thank you for taking out 6 odd minutes to hear me out.
All my love to you,
Heet